I barely remember what I last wrote about. Loosening ties with myriad things from the past. Is time playing its magic trick? Life is changing. Some days for the better, some days for the worst. I have become more subtle with my reactions and it sometimes scares me. I guess things still affect me but I express it in a more feeble manner. It is hitting more hard than ever to me that everything I experience is fleeting. All the priceless moments and all the tormenting nights. How does one stay sane amidst this chaos of variation? Where nothing is consistent, each day is a new challenge, and any slight indication of stability turns into a farce. I am a living paradox of patience and restiveness. Count me for ages but lose me by the hours. Working on my flaws, taking up healthy habits, getting better each day. Consistency comes with time, isn’t it?
It breaks your heart some times to see the people you love so much, wallowing in despair. And to be able to do nothing about it. Sure you can talk to them. But what do I say? Stay strong, be patient, resilience bears fruits. As I have observed, none of it quite seems to work. A confidence once floating in abundance shows no signs of trace now. Some days, you just can’t make a person you care about stop crying. And it’s fine. Them confiding enough in you to show their weak bits is a support enough. Some days, you just have to be there and remind yourself to not lose YOUR patience or faith in them. Be an anchor till the ship is ready to sail may be.
I have missed you WordPress. My company in solace. Today, I find myself in a deep pit of restlessness again and I come back, trying to find some answers. Could you sit back and cater to my delusional ideas, please. How agitating it is not knowing what you want in life? I find myself drifting away from reality. I am uncomfortable around my friends I once shared great bonds with. Makes me wonder, were they friends at the first place? Family equations are getting complex by the day. I am starting to feel dissatisfied with my work. Too reluctant to advice, too stubborn to changes. I know I need to change certain things about me, I just don’t know where to start and if it is too late. Even if I turn out to be an anomaly, it would help if I was a self-contained one.
A tiny tear dropped from those hazel eyes.
Startled, the eye enquired: “Where have you been? I never imagined I would be so deprived of you. That there will come a day where I have to crave for your visit. We almost lost touch.”
Tear replied: “I am your friend, ain’t I? or Am I your foe now, your barely want to see me?”
Eye gave some thought to it and then told the tear: “May be we are friends and enemies. You are there in happiness and in despair. It almost seems impossible to give you up. Too much of you seems detrimental to health and seeing too little of you makes me anxious. I always know you’ll come around. It’s almost like we go hand in hand. I love your absence and you hate seeing me happy without you.
So frenemies, are we?”
Could WE co-exist with a little bit of YOU and a little bit of I?
At times, there is so much of YOU that I feels trifle. Some days it’s only I and no trace of YOU. One moment too distant, next minute too involved. Do YOU and I ever find a balance? When I sulks could YOU hold strong; when YOU panics could I stay calm. When time doesn’t move forward, could I keep the clock aside? When everything is haywire, could YOU stand the storm. If only I could be I, YOU could be YOU and they still manage to discover WE; US would make quite a story!
P.S. : Only time will tell.
It has been so long since I was all by myself that I have forgotten how it actually feels. Was busy day in, day out with a number of things and today when I have nothing else to do apart from ruminating, I write. I stay alone and this is a bit surprising to me, because duh! how much of alone time do you need? May be, I have intentionally kept myself so occupied that I get no time to think. Could be good, could be bad. I strained my brain cells a little and realized I have become something else over these years.
This is the same, yearly, on coming birthday panic talk. I turn 27 a day after. Decided to take it in a positive stride this time! Is my life figured out yet—>
Bank Balance? hahaha..Come again?
Life Partner? Recuperating from commitment-phobia.
So then, reasons to smile? I might have some. Just finished my beginner’s French class. Spent a happy year teaching lovely kids and making new friends. Moments when I self treated myself, with a hot chocolate drink, a mango shake or a cute dress. Funny dance moves. Long conversations and kissing emojis. Tiny trips here and there. Things that must not be shared. Night owl turning into an early bird moments. Trying to finish what’s on my plate moments. These little things. I think I could take on 27. 🙂 <3.
Fingers crossed though.