There are days when my brain is advising: don’t write anything today..still I go ahead and do it anyway. Some days seem prosaically long to me. Like loooo…oong. The mornings would be super energetic and my energy will drain as the evening comes along. Or something might happen just to pull me down. Or may be these are just erratic mood swings..who is to say! I feel like a Pac-Man, you know the character from those childhood video games. It had to eat those small dots and gain as many points while avoiding the ghosts at the same time. You touch a ghost and you die. GAME-OVER. Dots I eat pretty well..but man! dodging the ghosts is a task. My ghost list is a huge one. Anything can stir me up. Or turn me blue. So I stroll..eating all possible dots..staying happy as I go along..doing my stuff..smiling..avoiding my ghosts. I avoid anything that I find even slightly repelling. Or a negative thought that is trying to make home in my head..I utter..no no no!
I have been getting such random thoughts lately. Of Pac-Man and the sorts. A lot of them and I want that someone just splashes a bucket full of water on me! Or I myself take a dive into some pool of water. Just to be taken aback a little. You know..feel the rush. Empty mind is a devil’s workshop…everybody knows it..but my empty mind is full of crap. Not even a seminary for devious ideas! It’s 11:09 pm IST. Chuck these thoughts. Chuck Pac-Man. Let me make use of the time before I fall asleep. :).
Anxious night ahead…I shopped and shopped today and then I stopped by a small shop on my way back home and forgot half of my baggage over there..what an idiot I am! Have to go back tomorrow morning and check if it is still there. @!?#*$~!?!!!! I stay all lost while traveling…I remember reading a middle aged man’s t-shirt on the way. It said:
“Laziness rule #1.
If you can’t reach it
You don’t need it”
I smiled seeing it. Amidst this hurried lost state of mind, I abandoned my belongings. Didn’t even look for it till late midnight. Plus, a restless person that I am..I won’t get sleep thinking about the 278 different scenarios that could have happened to it or with it. Why dear fate do you work in mysterious ways…it could have been a lazy Sunday night..cozy sleep..saccharine dreams..and now I lie awake waiting for the morning to arrive.
Sometimes my thoughts do trespass to a broader horizon where I ask myself..why such a fuss over superficial things? Why not just rest for a while. What if you lost a pretty dress. You’ll get another one. But these are just words. Reality bite: I am superficial to an extent. Let’s just accept things the way they are. If I lose on the dress tomorrow..Well I won’t encourage unsolicited ifs and buts for now. Time is taking its own sweet time. I don’t reckon what lies ahead. Not tomorrow morning nor the days after that.
Adversities bring out the best in you. Or sometimes the best to you. My current adversity involves sudden malfunctioning of my phone. Malfunctioning did I say?! No…it abruptly died last week. Kind of like two people walking on a lone island..having a good time and suddenly out of no where one person drowns. In that moment..I blurted weird reactions. Firstly I got excited..okay time for a new phone! Then I felt a little bad…because as humans, we tend to get attached to myriad things. Then a thought crossed my mind…now is the time to cut off from world. My contigency plan stepped up in the form of a low key phone I used to carry five years back. I rummaged through old cartons and luckily found its charger. Now my voyage(well..sort of!) began. No mails…no notifications..no clicking of random pictures..no contacts..felt lighter in a strange way. I remembered five contacts and that was all. I was happy..carefree..strolling..wandering..sleeping without anxiety..waking up without caring to check my phone..battery of my sturdy old school lasting for two days straight..life was good. And then..well..technology got the better of me. I succumbed. I wish God had given me a stronger will power to stay disconnected. Anyway. Adversity is over. Have ordered a new phone. Truely speaking…I have mixed feelings about it. It’s like..okay now I was alone in the island..had gotten accustomed to the surroundings..was scavenging alone..having my own fun..and now a new person will tag along. Whatever! We’ll find our peace. And there is the pic…in memory of my old phone! 😛 Drew it long back..
Be true to your heart. Face lies, employ pretense, compromise with the world, fall, rise, stumble, reach new heights, fly higher clouds, hit rock bottom, witness vivid colours of life, make mistakes, make lots of them, but no matter what you do, no matter what happens to you, be true to yourself. There is this whole gargantuan world you know nothing about and there’s you. Atleast we can be sure about ourselves. At the end of the day we shouldn’t be asking ourself questions like…Who am I kidding? It’s one life. Why live a false one.
This weekend has been a relaxing one. A little too relaxing I would say. When you are not doing anything, your mind runs in myriad directions. It dwells into the past, it tries to foresee the future. Either way, you sit back and contemplate and draw new conclusions for yourself. I have had very less interaction with the outside world since last three days and ample of time to ponder. Probably one of the reasons why I am writing down right now. I slept, went out for a stroll, I ate, I shopped, I read the news, and now I am writing. I could talk to my friends but I would rather not for today. Some are away. I guess the ones I wanna talk to are away. Anyway. There I was wondering, given to my weekend free time. Procrastination could be coined as a disease. It’s doing me lot of harm. I have activities lined up in my head and no urge to carry them forward. No push. No zeal. If only, something inside me could twist and curl and turn me all spunky! More disciplined. About my guitar lessons, my routine, about my unfinished novels, about numerous other stuff. I want to outgrow these stupid little weekend thoughts. Work it girl! There is no other go. They won’t have a cure as they haven’t termed it a disease yet. May be I’ll come up with a more activity-filled article next weekend if things go right. If my head works right I mean!
I walk on the street. I see people around me. Lots of them. Chilling, sitting, talking. On some other day, in some other period of time, it might have made me conscious. Atleast a tad bit. Surroundings did affect me. But today, I walk along. Struggling with my ice cream that is melting from all corners of the cone. I have slipped into my shoes comfortably. Alone is okay now I suppose. Which is strange!
I don’t know what to be. I don’t know what is likable, or what is acceptable. I am just going on. A non existential person going on with her life. I have my bits scatterred here and there. One or two people in my life…I am living them. I don’t talk to them often…I don’t see them often..I prefer not to talk ABOUT them often..but I am practically living them. My behaviour, my nuances, my laughs, my decisions, these people are everywhere. I don’t understand why some people affect you so deeply. We part but we don’t really part. Not in our heads atleast. He claims we’ll meet some day. I want to believe it but fear gets the better of me. I have stopped wrenching my brains over it.
I am writing after quite a few days. Had been on a trip to Gujarat. First of my college friend’s wedding. It was a treat. Got to dress up all girly. Loved the food, the couple, the vibe, the wedding. Danced for our friend, for the happiness in our hearts. Loads of good wishes. Made me less aversive to the idea of marriage. I am just saying. The beach was calm as ever. The people were heart warming. Many delightful moments with my two good friends over the journey. I got to eat dhokla. Something I love about Gujju food. I am an erratic person, or so I believe, and this trip has surprisingly made me more quite. Every new place I visit changes me in a way or other. It’s not intended to happen but I return as a modified version of me. Life is happening all around me and I am taking it in without prejudice. Don’t ask me questions, I won’t have proper answers at this moment.