We lived a moment of sheer joy. There was peace, there was ecstasy. There was fire, there was warmth. Your arms were a safe haven for me. My frailty did good to your virility. Yes, it was almost picture perfect. Now, you want to talk about it? I say, don’t ruin it for me. Why kill something by stretching it too far. Moments are not a ductile tape. Let them be intact. Let’s not defame it from our words, our logical reasonings, our shallow promises, our moral compasses. I can’t stand you falsely wanting for me and pretension is not my forte. Let’s take a place in each other’s memory and move ahead. You need to understand, we are not Romeo and Juliet. We are only some transitory outcomes of our impulsive indiscretions. Brutal but true.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
No! No! No! Don’t tell me I am a grown up. Don’t expect me to act my age. Don’t guide me on “what’s supposed to be right”. Don’t read me the rule book. I am yet to jump out of the aeroplane and shout at top of my lungs. I am yet to color my hair crazy and regret about it a day later. I haven’t yet embarrassed myself at a Karaoke. I am still not ready to swallow tablets when sick! When will I ever learn to skate? And oooh Salsa! Still have a night to spend toiling on what will be my pet’s name, once I have one. My last first kiss has still not arrived! I am yet to commit many more silly mistakes of my life. I still have so much to achieve. So when you say, do this, do that, you should know I’ll not listen. You should know, I’ll be on my own, and I’ll be fine.
P.S. We have to make the most of it! Good day.
Because today is a different day altogether! Some days sail smoothly. And some are like wading through the mud. Slow. Dragging. Heavy. Cumbersome. I try to keep in mind that it is a part of the process. Every path won’t be adorned with roses. Every shade of color won’t soothe your eyes. Every food item you eat won’t spring up your taste buds. We have to know bad to realize how important good is. I guess that is nature’s way of balancing things. We see some pretty, and we see some ugly. That’s how we grow. So dear nerves, rest a little. We’ll take dives again.
Do you ever wish that you fall asleep and your closest most beloved person comes and strokes your hair all warmly and gently. You don’t wake up, but shrink a little more, smiling, in their surrounding. That touch is so familiar yet so strangely vital to your existence. Every one wants some loving, some mushy mush. We are prone to human intimacy. There is no denying that. But then we get entangled in the cobwebs of who we want, who wants us, stars not aligning, lovers not meeting and all of that crap. Stupid happenings. So for people who have their partners close with them right now, snuggle them tight. Hold on to them. Cuddle it out. And for people like me, who (currently)feel at bay, hold on to your pillows and stuff toys for now, your snuggle buddy is around the corner. 🙂 , 😛 !
I am a very very very moody person. I might not have any substantial reason for the course of my actions. I don’t give my moods much thought. Days I am not sleeping…it’s fine I am not sleeping. I am shopping insane…okay..little hole in the pocket..no big deal. Not eating adequately..and people going like, you are getting way too thin…oh yeah I know that..I have seen myself! That.. getting to the root of the problem, is NOT my thing. Yeah I do notice the problem and then I probably just walk past it (I know! not healthy or advisable). I don’t know what’s making me write about myself today. I feel like I am at that phase of my life where I have options in plenty. I can take some sensible course, or digress to some silly path, tread the unknown routes or walk the safe lane. There is no weight on my shoulders, no one is pushing me around to do things their way, I am feeling awkwardly light. You know? Like I need some weight. Something to drive me in a particular direction. Uhh I want to make my own path. Make my time in this vast space of events count. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to be on fire!
Couldn’t it be a simple urge to each choco truffle like other times! Sigh.
Sometimes when you have lived through something beautiful, been a subset of a surreal experience: you have laughed so hard, your stomach hurt; you have sighed so sad, the cloud drizzled; danced so long, your body clamoured for rest; have kissed so strong, your mouth resisted tasting anything else; dressed so sassy, the crowd steered their eyes on you; sometimes when you are in between those moments, you want to instantly save them somehow. You take a picture, you make a note, you write a poem, you just want to get hold of it. Does it really work? I suppose not.
May be you couldn’t click it in your camera, may be what you wrote couldn’t describe the enormity of it. May be your awesomest kiss got lost somewhere in between. May be it is not possible after all to relive these things to bits and pieces again. But, you were there. You savoured it in entirety. You still remember the feeling, don’t you? Past might get hazy, but it never vanishes.
I read this on a hoarding while returning from my Goa trip today: They shared one moment and lived it thousand times in their memories.
About this post: Could be an outcome of my inability to give a detailed description about my past few days, and some other stuff. I will though.