Am I changing?
Metamorphosing from caterpillar to a butterfly?
I often feel the world runs too fast for my pace. Like I am a snail trying to keep up with a leopard. And then I ponder, why can’t I take leisure in my pace. Definitely, the leopard and I don’t have a common destination in our minds. I have stopped speculating over the would be’s. At this moment, I have ample reasons to smile. And I find that enough. Nerves being nerves always act crazy, however, there is something different in my stride. Like it has found a way to walk on. The “rasta” so we speak is foggy, full of pebbles and stones, each turn bringing a new surprise. I still like walking on it though. Let’s see where it takes me.
P.S. rasta is hindi equivalent to path.
It is strange how sometimes the regular stuff you do becomes irregular and out of sync. Like I am reading after long today, lying awake at 3.25 in the morning, taking screen shots of quotes I like, watching TV shows I enjoy, listening to interviews of my favorite actors, doing stuff I regularly do, after a long pause in time. Have been busy of late, happily busy if I may add. But this feels right. No judgements; no opinions. Safe space in my own bubble.
My bff told me, these are my escape routes, things that I do when I am alone. But it ain’t quite true. I find comfort in these things. I am missing time to do these mundane things. So..what do we do, when world around us changes? We change a bit too, yet keep intact these proclivities. Quirks that make you, you.
Days when I don’t talk, I am waiting for the storm to settle. For my senses to resurface. Run back to the routine. Everything is bleak yet there is a comfort in the unknown. I am all up for novel experiences, and this unabashed uncertainty is the first of its sorts. Did I say too much, do I go too far? Where do I stand? What do I want? Days when I am not talking, these rigmarole of questions keep hitting my conscience.
I am wading away from the past, subconsciously. It pricks me a bit because past was my idea of perfection. Now, it is gone. But present is here, and present looks good too. :).
The most agitating feelings of all is to realize someone’s absence and not be able to shake that stupid bug off. Then have a long list of productive things to be done, in your head and watch the time fly by. To be aware of the futility of the situation and still somehow get trapped into nothingness.
I better start off my day. Much to be done. Music coming to the rescue.
P.S.: Be happy with yourself. :).
Here is a theory (yep! call me crazy): When you part with someone you love…it becomes kind of obvious that you are going to be Mr./Miss/Mrs. gloomy for a plentiful days. You won’t get out of bed, you won’t eat right, you won’t mingle, you will possibly do all deplorable things to make you much worse than you are. At that point of time, it seems justified, a natural course of action. Like, yeah that person mattered to me, and I am literally down in the dumps without them.
But, how about doing the exact opposite? Say improving yourself for the ones you loved. Yeah let the gloominess phase out; if it doesn’t, limp, crawl, somehow, fight out of it. Sure, getting out of the bed seems like a hill to surmount. You are better than that, heck I am better than that. Wonder what it would be like, if you just sat and decided to be a better version of yourself. I mean what’s there to lose now right? Store the residuals in a locker or something. Do something good. Something fulfilling, that delights you. Take up some activity out of your comfort zone, learn something you are entirely new to. Imagine, if you ever meet this person somewhere down the lane, you could just smile and say, your love made me stronger.
It doesn’t always have to end on a bitter note.
The heat is soaring here in Bangalore and the weather occupies too much of my mind to be thinking about anything else. That persistent craving to go take another bath, the no ends tan, the discomfort in clothing…all regular hot weather grievances. Although, one thing I absolutely adore about the summer season: Mangoes! I patiently wait for this time of the year when I can relish these sweet little things in all their glorified forms: milkshakes, fruit slices, ice-creams, you name it. Immense love out there. So much so that I am posting about mangoes here. Not a food fanatic but yeah, this fruit fanatic!
Apart from this, life is going good. Living it, one day at a time. Not much contemplation; not much of trepidation. Finding ways to smile in little things. Accepting the way certain people are, not letting it space out my peace of mind.
P.S. This weekend’s highlight was watching SRK’s movie FAN, which I read a lot about, also loved; and then me buying mangoes and eating them and going crazy over them.
Monday, sure, Welcome!
I woke up today with a very specific and probably positive thought in mind: Make it count. The day. I wasn’t pretty sure on what would actually make it count. For me, mostly, a day well spent has been to be with family or friends or anybody you love. That’s my idea of “time utilization”. Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. My friends are occupied, my family stays away etc. etc. A LOT of me time. That bug in my mind has been running hard from days to figure out, what now? I will not talk about any bigger plans here. I am pretty lost if I dig deep. Nevertheless, I woke up, I pondered a while, realized it is plain shit to sit and ponder, I cooked, I danced by myself for sometime, I picked my guitar to practise, I cleaned up my room a bit, that’s pretty much it. Did I make it count? That bug inside keeps appeasing me, calm down, keep going. I will just listen to my bug.
PS: We had a day off here, Republic Day in India.