I have missed you WordPress. My company in solace. Today, I find myself in a deep pit of restlessness again and I come back, trying to find some answers. Could you sit back and cater to my delusional ideas, please. How agitating it is not knowing what you want in life? I find myself drifting away from reality. I am uncomfortable around my friends I once shared great bonds with. Makes me wonder, were they friends at the first place? Family equations are getting complex by the day. I am starting to feel dissatisfied with my work. Too reluctant to advice, too stubborn to changes. I know I need to change certain things about me, I just don’t know where to start and if it is too late. Even if I turn out to be an anomaly, it would help if I was a self-contained one.
You did not make a conscious effort.
Did not sweep me off my feet.
Didn’t throw any subtle clues.
Made no promises to falter on later.
Two people getting along, on a lazy Sunday;
You just beautifully saved my day.
6:00 am. A lizard is crawling right on top of my wall. They creep me out in totality. For a moment, I thought may be we could turn friends…you know, staying in the same room and stuff! But neither one of us wants to make an effort. Happy in our own space. Anyway, I am at the brink of this weekend. The clock ticks 8 am and the dynamics would change. How strange is that? How rigid is the mind? Sticks to the notions and the set beliefs. If only I could mix Mondays with the Sun-Fun-Sundays!
I am a believer…not a cynic..would only hope for a better day ahead. So, cheers to you-better-work-your-ass-off Mondays! And I hope you guys have a great week ahead of you.
I am out with friends and I look happy and frolicky, decked up, spruced up, company is good, food tastes great, such a lovely evening, yay kind of Sunday! Everything seems in place and oh so fine, until some stupid, uncalled for, moronic, crappy, mushy, lovey dovey song starts playing in the background and overwhelms me with influx of gazillion emotions, inadvertently reminding me of you. Ehhh.
Damn you brilliant musicians and lyricists and singers all over the world! Totally unaware of the turmoil you cause to some cushion hearted people.
Words are not coming out for the thoughts creeping inside my head. How often do we decide something and the plan falls off track? Things not going on our accord. So you just accept the situation. Your friends are acting weird. Accept. You acting weird. Accept. Tired of same old questions. Accept. Your weaknesses. Accept. Unwavering love from parents. Accept. Surprising moments. Accept. Words from others, good and bad. Accept. For some reason, I am breaking inside, bit by bit. I can feel it in my bones. I put up a good face. A happy face. And at times I am genuinely happy too. But people have failed me. Or probably they are in the process. Or to put it correctly my belief in them seems to be faltering. I don’t know. I have got to let them be. That’s the right thing. This all sounds very negative, very blue. That is the problem. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. And it’s not some PMS talking. It is me. They are taking swings, hopping around like those bouncing balls. I used to love playing with them as a kid and apparently now I have become one. I am not a self contained person. There. Accepted. And I think I’ll turn into one. By hook or by crook. May be it is for the good.
I just heard a song and will take a moment here to quote some lines from it:
“bin puche mera naam aur pataa…(without asking my name or address..)
rasmon ko rakh ke pare..(keeping the customs aside..)
char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)
bin kuch kahe bin kuch sune..(without saying or hearing anything..)
Haathon mein haath liye..(taking hand in hand of each other)
Char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)”
Isn’t that tingly feeling just beautiful when you have loads of uncertainities and yet loads of deep rooted silly expectations from a person! When you are seeing all butterflies and sunflowers in a traffic signal full of honking cars.
I so adore that unspoken kind of companionship. The song made me smile all over again.
These Sundays are surpringly quite variant when you are spending them alone. In single span of a day you will have highs and lows intermittently occuring every now and then. I have got all sorts of thoughts in my head today: what am I doing?! Why am I sleeping like a bear?! Why don’t i improve my eating habits?! Why don’t i start exercising? Stop dwelling on the past! Stop opening shopping sites for a while! what do i read now? What’s happening in the world?! could i care any less?! How cool would it be to have someone walk few steps along with me..without asking any questions or expecting any answers..:)?..